Finally, some standards!

So I was ordered the other day by my co-teacher (meaning, comrade-boss) to fill out an online test of some sort that had been cooked up by the brainiacs up in Beijing University. I cruise over to the link she provides me, and I discover that this is only (latest?) attempt to impose some kind of hiring standard on the inherently ridiculous position that is the government mandated Foreign English Teacher. Sounds good, right? I mean, I've gone on at length here about what a carpetbagger I am in China. A little insistence on their part that their teachers actually be qualified is totally a step in the right direction.
But, this is China, and I should never forget that. While their hearts were in the right place, the aim was more than a little off if their goal is to find competent English teachers willing to put up with a little culture shock. After the first couple of questions, I realized that timer be damned, I was going to share these Chinglish gems:

Do you think that smoking could relieve pressure?
I don't think that smoking could have any relation with pressure.
I don't know since I lack such experience.
It might be true.
I am not so sure whether it could work.
Yes, the effect is obvious.

Okay, a little skewed towards supporting smoking here, but that's okay. This is China, and it's their nice way of telling you that your delicate western sensibilities about smoking need to be squashed.

Do you think that respect is more important than food and clothes?
No, I sort of disagree with it.
I think that solving the food/clothing issue is the basis for the respect.
I don't think they are comparable.
Yes, I kind of agree with it.
Yes, it is similar to the spirit vs WUZHI.

Okay, this one really didn't quite click with me as the generic foreigner (this test is designed for only foreign teachers to take, remember). And what the eff is WUZHI? Even if I was fluent in Chinese I would probably have a hard time guessing that word. Seriously, China? Do you even think about these things before putting them out there?

Assume that you were CEO of a company, and you had to handle 7 cases, each of which could take 6 hours. How would you handle this within 3 hours?
I would work on those in the order of the hand-in dates.
I would work on those that could be solved immediately,and leave the others for the further discussion at an executive meeting.
I would ask my secretary to prioritize them.
I would set up the priorities of these cases and start with the most important or urgent one.
I would work on those in the order of the deadline.

I love this one for wasting no time in establishing that the scenario in question is completely, hopelessly, doomed to failure.

What would you do when you get angry?
I scratch my head.
I prefer to stay alone.
I look for someone to fight with.
I become talkative in order to get rid of the upset feeling.
I break things.

At least whenever the 'psychology' of this test fails to strike home with me, it illuminates some interesting corner of the Chinese psyche.

What would be your first reaction if your computer suddenly crashed while you were writing a paper and had not saved it?
I could slap the computer, though it couldn't bring back the data.
There is no better solution rather than retype all according to my memory.
I would feel very sad.
I would have to take the reality.
I could use dirty words to express my feeling.

In this one, I read 'have to take the reality' as not meaning the same thing as just retyping the data, so I picture a Chinese person sitting immobile next to their offline computer trying to establish a fundamental understanding of their new dataless reality.

How do you feel when you look at your latest photo?
I am very satisfied with it, and feel that I am becoming more beautiful.
It is not bad, and I like the way I am in the picture.
I don't like the way I look in the picture.
I wouldn't feel any difference.
I could see the time stamp on my face and feel dissatisfied with it.

Aren't time stamps (relics that they are) usually in an unobtrusive place like the bottom corners? I would feel dissatisfied with that picture too.

Would rainy weather affect your mood?
I could feel a little bit lost.
No, I could still remain happy.
No, my mood wouldn't be impacted by the weather.
It could make me feel nervous.
It could easily make me into memory.

This question's reach so far exceeds it's grasp it isn't even funny.

Someday, if you met your old lover accidentally after having lost contact for a long time, and the two of you sit down at a coffee shop, what would be the toughest topic?
The lost feeling after your break-up;
The experience of an international trip
The feeling of your break-up;
The sweet feeling of your love;

The person who interrupted your relationship;

China, why do you want to know this? What does it have to do with being a teacher in one of your crazy schools? And why would an international trip be painful? This is one of the ones where I have no idea at all where they are coming from.

If you found a package at your front door, and there was no information on the package, what would you guess?
My friends might make a practical joke on me.
It might be delivered to the wrong place.
It might be a surprise from my friends.
It might be a revenge scheme against me.
It might have dangerous stuff inside.

I picked the revenge scheme one. Who wouldn't?

Do you agree that the up-and-down is not the real life, but trivial daily life is real?
No, I would like to have an up-and-down life.
I kind of agree.
It may not match with everyone's life.
Yes, I agree.
I am kind of disagree.

By far the most nebulous question. I tried to match it with the middle answer.

If you were criticized by your boss during your workday, how do you relieve the bad mood?
I haven't found the best way to get rid of bad moods.
I might be easily lose my temper towards my family in a certain situation.
I might cry in solitude.
Shopping and eating will help me feel relief.
It would go on without any treatment.

Here, the Beijing experts unwittingly reveal that they think all foreigners have no idea how to successfully handle stress, by not even giving them that option. It reminds me of another multiple choice test I took at a temp agency in Colorado, where I was asked to describe my usage of methamphetamines as 'light and recreational' or 'heavy but controlled'.

Fill in the blank according to the logic rule: ①A,D,G,J,( )；② 21,20,18,15,11,( )；③8，6，7，5，6，4，（）
Ｍ，６，５
Ｌ，６，５
Ｌ，３，７
Ｍ，５，５
Ｌ，７，３

This fucker came out of nowhere about two thirds of the way through. Dammit, China! Psychological test, psychological! I guessed.




And then the awesome continued in with the General Knowledge section of the test:

Which personality trait is apparent among most Chinese people?
Fiery
Enthusiastic
Suppressed
Crazy

Trap question. I picked 'Suppressed' because I feel like this test has no impact on my employment.

Which day of the year is Earth Day?
25th June
4th March
14th May
22nd April

No hippies. China does not want anybody stirring up embarrassing trouble for them over the widely acknowledged and addressed reasonable consequence of China's self-improvement efforts.

When the ancients left each other, what did they send as a souvenir?
A sallow
Branches of peach
Yulan
Plum blossom

Seriously? Who the hell knows what this is? I went Three Kingdoms on this jazz and chose the peach reference. I had to look up sallow as a noun(which is middle english, not used since the 12th century), I doubt many people would even know it as the more common but still rare adjective.

The chairman of the Central Military Commission in the People's Republic of China is elected by which group?
the CPC congress
the CPC Central Committee
the NPC
the NPC Standing Committee

I think this is another question where the right answer is the wrong answer. They don't want political eggheads coming over here and being too informed.

During the teaching procedure, the information to be effectively transferred is
the teaching procedure
the methods of teaching
the content of teaching
the media of teaching and learning

I figure this one is to catch those that could fake knowing enough english to pass the other questions.

2002×20032003-2003×20022002=?
-60
0
60
80

This is zero, right? I tried actually doing it and it just confused me.

Which factor will not influence the Air Pollution Index?
SO2
NOX
CO2
H2O

Right answer is the wrong answer. Don't want anybody that will make problems for schools over inconsequential things like air pollution.

In which year was Longrnan Group UK Ltd. founded?
1721
1722
1723
1724

WTF is this shit? I blew seriously half my time trying to look this company up, and all I got for my troubles was some book publisher called Longman Group, and I couldn't even find out when that was founded. Probably not not that long ago, and really probably not having anything to do with anything.

In which continent is China?
Asia
Africa
Europe
South America

Nice, the slowball.

Ebbinghaus's Forgetting Curve indicates that the procedure of forgetting is
Rapid then slow
Slow then rapid
At constant speed
Accelerate evenly

I took a guess based on the pompous name that this guy's theory was just common sense and went with the first choice.

2008+2007+2006+2005-2004-2003-2002-2001+2000+1999+1998+1997-1996-1995-1994-1993+1992+……+6+5-4-3-2-1=?
284790350023
4016
3901
2510

Seriously, China. Dammit.

The system of the People's Republic of China, as a political state, is
multi-party cooperation
a people's democratic dictatorship
a constitutional monarchy
a federation

There was no way that I wasn't picking dictatorship, although of the other choices it does actually seem like the most accurate.

Which is the largest island in China?
Hainan Island
Chongming Island
Xiamen Iskand
Taiwan Island

This is a tricky one! Don't slip up and forget that Taiwan Is A Part Of China!



To cap it all off, they give you your scores as soon as you're done! Here's how I did. Good thing my contract is already signed.


Score & Analysis Evaluating Items

The score of Knowledge Test is 70 , high scoring index is Chinese Culture and Customs, Knowledge of Astronomy and Geography , low scoring index is Economic Knowledge .

The score for Psychological Test is 43 , high scoring index is Confidence, Emotional Stability, Face Tendency , low scoring index is Drink, Heart Endurance, Tolerant Capability, Logical Thinking Ability, Comprehensive Analysis Ability, Response Ability .

Advice for Testees:
Result of this evaluation only provides you a reference for knowing yourself better, rather than evidence that you will gain great success in society. During the evaluation, you are affected by test time, your mood, circumstance, and etc. If you think that the description and advice for you does not match the fact, you can think about flowing points:

1. Recalling your state when answering the test, whether you are concentrated or not
2. Recalling whether you slide over yourself consciously or guess the intention of testers
3. Ask classmates or friends around you how they think about you
4. Consult professional evaluation advisers or teachers in employment center for further advice

Wish you success!

Man there were no questions about drinking, you damn liars. OR astronomy! Jesus, China.

Doldrums

Seven days until we get paid. Having squandered most of my reserves two weeks ago on a puppydog, today I am writing with no wine and a dumbass dog licking my besandaled feet. The dog is okay, I can deal with him. All of his actions fall into two non-exclusive categories, gross and stupid. Usually most of what he does falls into just stupid, so it's cute. Being about seven months old and a boxer/bulldog mix, the only thing he does that is really annoying is peeing in the apartment. Having never been housetrained by his Chinese owners, I can understand this. We are making progress, but unfortunately he is still a puppy and has a tiny bladder. A drink of water will make it's way through his system (seemingly) in roughly an hour and a half. Since we will be living together in this apartment, the best solution we can hope for here is to get used to each other's schedules. Like I said, progress is being made. We have accidents, but those are mostly because I am too lazy to take him out as often as he needs rather than willful acts of defiance on his part.
The wine situation, on the other hand, I am having a hard time coping with. Right now I am experimenting with tea and Bai Jiu, that delightful Chinese beverage which they so criminally and enthusiastically like to compare to whiskey. In hot green tea, I suppose that it's better than drinking the stuff straight, but not only does it still taste pretty terrible, it is entirely lacking in that deep satisfaction that I derive from holding a bottle of wine by the neck and taking gulps. If they had paper bags in China, I would keep one in my apartment just to put my wine bottles in before drinking them. I would even name it something appropriate, like The Colonel. Alas, this is a pleasure that will have to wait with many others.
It's so strange to consider that in a week, I will have more money than I know what to do with, and that this will be true until the summer of next year. Now that I'm actually almost out of money, I am finding that I have a difficult time imagining what it will be like. Even making lists in preparation lacks any real inspiration and feels more like just throwing out ideas. I am sure that when I finally go back to the super-mall with thousands and thousands of yuan in hand after two weeks (and more than a year of living off of small-time pay) of maintaining a thirty-yuan per day maximum, it will be one of the more surreal experiences in China.
To cap all this off, enjoy some of the poetry that I asked my students to write about the fall leaves.

Fallen leaves like people in the society
Some will fly to the sky by the wind
enjoying the sunshine;
some will fall to the river, doing a
long travel;
And some will melt into the mud,
giving their children food.

In autumn the trees are brown;
The little leaves come tumbling down;
They do not make the slightest sound;
But lie quietly on the ground;
Until the wind comes puffing by;
And blows them off towards the sky;
The wind will blow their freshness into you,
and the storms their energy;
While cares will drop away from you like the
leaves of autumn.

Winter must be cold for those with no warm
memories
Night must be long for those with no sweet
dreams
So I beg the reddest leaf from the fall
Put it beside my pillow
Warm my memories
And sweeten my dream

When young and in bud,
we can see a heaven in your pretty leaves.
Fall comes, everything changes.
You are attracted bu the love of wind
You leave us without words, dancing and singing in the embrace of it.
Wind is heartless. He deserts you and throws you to the ground.
Everyone can hear your broken hearts, but the wind you are madly in
love with leaves you with bursting laughter.
Then you are old and in mud,
leaves us a hell in your dead.

In love with you art the first sight.
Your beautiful shapes, your various colors,
all made me fascinated.
The moment you are born, you know what's waiting
for you.
You are born for the company of trees.
You are born for the beautifying of environment.
You are born for the stability of the soil.
You know one day you would fall for another
generation.
You just leave the world in your favorite state.
I'm not sad. I know you're waiting for me another spring.

Leaf, a wing which can not fly.
Green, red, yellow and grey.
You end your life in a short fall.
While you pursue freedom by your whole life.
Persistence, insistence.
Like a fallen leaf dancing in the wind.
I keep on drifting, whirling through my life.
Never give up my dream.
Never lose hope.

The sky is blue and high
in this autumn time
With the autumn wind's call
the beautiful leaves begin to fall
Like angels in yellow and red
Dance the last time in their lives

Tuvan throat singers

I've spent a lot of time hemming and hawing over what to write here. Almost every day, I write emails to people, and I have a good friend to talk to all day. Yet I still feel the call to close the doors to my smoking room, light up a pipe of tobacco and open a bottle of wine, and write something. Last time I ended up reading a lot more than I wrote, old journal entries that I've made infrequently over the years when there was something that I had to explore on paper before my mind would let it rest. The time was well spent, and convinced me that this blog will not be those journals for me. Or, at least, that they don't have to be in order for me to write about something. Hence, tonight I have no writer's block as I enjoy my room full of excellent German tobacco and mediocre-but-trying Chinese red wine. Tonight I want to tell some stories about what I've been doing with my time here. I'll start with today and move backwards, specifically starting with my trip to the underground market near the train station. This market is a magical wonderland of Chinese capitalism, full of sex toys, sex drugs, knives, tasers, swords and huge Guan Yu halberds, pornography, cheap jewelry, watches, binoculars and microphone guns, children's toys, calculators, and all manner of home entertainment technology. I love this market. I went there to get a birthday present, which I did, but I am regularly enticed by the other speciality of this market: fake Zippos. These are carried by almost every store/stand and come in endless variety. Indy got one that seemed to be promoting the Third Reich, and today I succumbed myself to similarly long-held affection: fucking sweet wizards.

How could I say no to that? Plus, the flame is some kind of insane butane (that changes from blue to red over three seconds) or something that just incinerates everything that I have tried to light with it so far. Awesome.
Backtracking a bit to earlier in the day, Indy and I had an excellent conversation detailing our opinions of sexual openness that spanned quite a bit of time. I'll not reveal his details here, but I have no problem admitting that ultimately I felt like I was a bit of a bohemian. Especially after reading some of my older journal entries, which (surprise, surprise) dealt with my opinions on sexual openness, often mirroring his current opinions. It seems a little amazing that one can change so much in such a relatively short time, and I did kind of wonder if I was not so much 'enlightened' as 'trashy' about sex these days. I didn't feel trashy, of course, I know that he didn't mean it like that either - but I wonder at how very hedonistic it all is these days. Do we just try everything until we hit some kind of deeply programmed limit? Or do we have to draw those limitations for ourselves, otherwise we simply have no boundaries at all? Probably a moot point as we will both likely be as celibate as monks for the next nine months. And even if we weren't, these Chinese ladies seem much closer to his own views than mine. Now I worry that I might send a tiny naked lady fleeing from my bedroom, scarred forever.
Skipping a little farther back to last Saturday, we had the pleasure of celebrating the Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival (no longer celebrated in mid-autumn for the good of the People) in our own way. My plans for the evening consisted of buying a great deal of alcohol and some crummy discount moon-cakes, hoofing it to a roof somewhere on campus, and getting wasted on grain alcohol while staring up at the moon. Alas, it came to naught. We ended up getting shanghaied by a student who has helped me out enough that I am indebted to him although I don't really like him. Apparently his friends had all abandoned him to go snog with their girlfriends or see their families in Xuchang, and so we got roped into dinner and admiring the moon with him. This was decidedly dull, although most native Chinese speakers are able to feed us much better than we can feed ourselves, so at least dinner was enjoyable and different. However, once we got home the drinking was allowed to start in earnest, which we did to the accompaniment of a bootleg pornography DVD that I had purchased earlier in the day called 'American Female Jail'. The film turned out to be somewhat misleading, in that it was actually shot in the 70s, in Brazil, and was shot in Italian. The English dub wasn't bad, but it unfortunately ran at the same time as the much louder Chinese dub. This made understanding what little plot existed quite difficult, although the drinking helped. Before we had made it more than twenty minutes into this experience, there was a knock on my door. Our only neighbor in our section of the building had stopped by, and he had brought two bottles of bai jiu. Now, as a little explanation here, the first week that I had lived in this building I didn't have a key for the front security door for our section. Every time I wanted to come in, I had to call all the apartments until somebody answered, and bumblingly explain in Chinese that 'I ams the American teacher what lives on number one floor, and I has had no door-thing yet froms mine university' and then they would buzz me in. To say thanks once I finally had my own key, I bought them a bunch of moon cakes. Earlier the night of the Festival, we had also stopped by to essentially pawn off the extra moon cakes that we had no intention of eating after we had split from the annoying lonely student. I guess all this made some kind of impression, because now we were getting the full hospitality treatment from the father of the family. He had even brought a sack of salted beef! Because Americans like beef so much. However, as we had no glasses aside from the normal-sized juice cups provided to us by the university, one can imagine our terror as our neighbor jovially whipped out a bottle of grain alcohol and started pouring us full glasses of the stuff. If anyone has ever drank with me in the States, you know that bai jiu has been an ordeal that I inflict on my friends with great relish, being generally considered to be the worst tasting alcohol known to civilized man, and usually between 50-60% alcohol to boot. It is usually made of sorghum, millet, and peas. As soon as he was done pouring, we toasted. Over the next hour and half, we finished the bottle and had actually learned quite a bit about each other. His name mysteriously translated as literally The King of Germany, and he came from Shandong province. He had a PhD in Agriculture, and had arrived at this university only about a month before I had. He left with us fairly drunk and with a whole extra bottle of bai jiu for ourselves. This bai jiu, I admit, was actually far superior in taste to the sort of stuff that I buy in the States for the Man-Test factor. But as anyone who has had bai jiu inflicted on them knows, the taste somehow stays with you for hours and hours after you stop drinking, even if you only have one shot. Every burp especially will be total memory recall of that particular flavor. Afterwards, Indy and I made a vblog that I have yet to actually watch for myself. I hear there are sound problems, and I am not surprised.
Before that, I have just a few incidents that will stick in my memory. The first (and second) time using my newly-purchased water card that allowed me to fill a three liter jug at a special purified water station outside my apartment. There are two buttons on this station, a big green button, and a big red button. Twice, I have stood at that station with my jug overflowing, water pouring out everywhere all over the sidewalk and frantically pounding that red button, while the machine played 'The Blue Danube' at a mockingly increasing pace. Those two have been some of the most surreal Chinese moments that I have had. Walking through the grocery store and hearing an incredibly long, drawn out piano version of 'Greensleeves' while I look at an 80 yuan bottle of A1 Steak Sauce.
I thought I had a few more, but I am almost through with my bottle of wine and my pipe of tobacco, and the Tuvan throat singing I am listening to is overwhelming my capacity for recollection. Add to my lifetime list of things to accomplish, go to Tuva and listen to an actual performance of this incredible dual-pitch singing. Perhaps the Trans-Siberian trip being planned could divert to Tuva? This is now unavoidable.
I would say zai jian, but au revoir sounds so much more appropriate. Au revoir, dear readers, and bayartai, saikhan amraarai.