Finally, some standards!

So I was ordered the other day by my co-teacher (meaning, comrade-boss) to fill out an online test of some sort that had been cooked up by the brainiacs up in Beijing University. I cruise over to the link she provides me, and I discover that this is only (latest?) attempt to impose some kind of hiring standard on the inherently ridiculous position that is the government mandated Foreign English Teacher. Sounds good, right? I mean, I've gone on at length here about what a carpetbagger I am in China. A little insistence on their part that their teachers actually be qualified is totally a step in the right direction.
But, this is China, and I should never forget that. While their hearts were in the right place, the aim was more than a little off if their goal is to find competent English teachers willing to put up with a little culture shock. After the first couple of questions, I realized that timer be damned, I was going to share these Chinglish gems:

Do you think that smoking could relieve pressure?
I don't think that smoking could have any relation with pressure.
I don't know since I lack such experience.
It might be true.
I am not so sure whether it could work.
Yes, the effect is obvious.

Okay, a little skewed towards supporting smoking here, but that's okay. This is China, and it's their nice way of telling you that your delicate western sensibilities about smoking need to be squashed.

Do you think that respect is more important than food and clothes?
No, I sort of disagree with it.
I think that solving the food/clothing issue is the basis for the respect.
I don't think they are comparable.
Yes, I kind of agree with it.
Yes, it is similar to the spirit vs WUZHI.

Okay, this one really didn't quite click with me as the generic foreigner (this test is designed for only foreign teachers to take, remember). And what the eff is WUZHI? Even if I was fluent in Chinese I would probably have a hard time guessing that word. Seriously, China? Do you even think about these things before putting them out there?

Assume that you were CEO of a company, and you had to handle 7 cases, each of which could take 6 hours. How would you handle this within 3 hours?
I would work on those in the order of the hand-in dates.
I would work on those that could be solved immediately,and leave the others for the further discussion at an executive meeting.
I would ask my secretary to prioritize them.
I would set up the priorities of these cases and start with the most important or urgent one.
I would work on those in the order of the deadline.

I love this one for wasting no time in establishing that the scenario in question is completely, hopelessly, doomed to failure.

What would you do when you get angry?
I scratch my head.
I prefer to stay alone.
I look for someone to fight with.
I become talkative in order to get rid of the upset feeling.
I break things.

At least whenever the 'psychology' of this test fails to strike home with me, it illuminates some interesting corner of the Chinese psyche.

What would be your first reaction if your computer suddenly crashed while you were writing a paper and had not saved it?
I could slap the computer, though it couldn't bring back the data.
There is no better solution rather than retype all according to my memory.
I would feel very sad.
I would have to take the reality.
I could use dirty words to express my feeling.

In this one, I read 'have to take the reality' as not meaning the same thing as just retyping the data, so I picture a Chinese person sitting immobile next to their offline computer trying to establish a fundamental understanding of their new dataless reality.

How do you feel when you look at your latest photo?
I am very satisfied with it, and feel that I am becoming more beautiful.
It is not bad, and I like the way I am in the picture.
I don't like the way I look in the picture.
I wouldn't feel any difference.
I could see the time stamp on my face and feel dissatisfied with it.

Aren't time stamps (relics that they are) usually in an unobtrusive place like the bottom corners? I would feel dissatisfied with that picture too.

Would rainy weather affect your mood?
I could feel a little bit lost.
No, I could still remain happy.
No, my mood wouldn't be impacted by the weather.
It could make me feel nervous.
It could easily make me into memory.

This question's reach so far exceeds it's grasp it isn't even funny.

Someday, if you met your old lover accidentally after having lost contact for a long time, and the two of you sit down at a coffee shop, what would be the toughest topic?
The lost feeling after your break-up;
The experience of an international trip
The feeling of your break-up;
The sweet feeling of your love;

The person who interrupted your relationship;

China, why do you want to know this? What does it have to do with being a teacher in one of your crazy schools? And why would an international trip be painful? This is one of the ones where I have no idea at all where they are coming from.

If you found a package at your front door, and there was no information on the package, what would you guess?
My friends might make a practical joke on me.
It might be delivered to the wrong place.
It might be a surprise from my friends.
It might be a revenge scheme against me.
It might have dangerous stuff inside.

I picked the revenge scheme one. Who wouldn't?

Do you agree that the up-and-down is not the real life, but trivial daily life is real?
No, I would like to have an up-and-down life.
I kind of agree.
It may not match with everyone's life.
Yes, I agree.
I am kind of disagree.

By far the most nebulous question. I tried to match it with the middle answer.

If you were criticized by your boss during your workday, how do you relieve the bad mood?
I haven't found the best way to get rid of bad moods.
I might be easily lose my temper towards my family in a certain situation.
I might cry in solitude.
Shopping and eating will help me feel relief.
It would go on without any treatment.

Here, the Beijing experts unwittingly reveal that they think all foreigners have no idea how to successfully handle stress, by not even giving them that option. It reminds me of another multiple choice test I took at a temp agency in Colorado, where I was asked to describe my usage of methamphetamines as 'light and recreational' or 'heavy but controlled'.

Fill in the blank according to the logic rule: ①A,D,G,J,( )；② 21,20,18,15,11,( )；③8，6，7，5，6，4，（）
Ｍ，６，５
Ｌ，６，５
Ｌ，３，７
Ｍ，５，５
Ｌ，７，３

This fucker came out of nowhere about two thirds of the way through. Dammit, China! Psychological test, psychological! I guessed.




And then the awesome continued in with the General Knowledge section of the test:

Which personality trait is apparent among most Chinese people?
Fiery
Enthusiastic
Suppressed
Crazy

Trap question. I picked 'Suppressed' because I feel like this test has no impact on my employment.

Which day of the year is Earth Day?
25th June
4th March
14th May
22nd April

No hippies. China does not want anybody stirring up embarrassing trouble for them over the widely acknowledged and addressed reasonable consequence of China's self-improvement efforts.

When the ancients left each other, what did they send as a souvenir?
A sallow
Branches of peach
Yulan
Plum blossom

Seriously? Who the hell knows what this is? I went Three Kingdoms on this jazz and chose the peach reference. I had to look up sallow as a noun(which is middle english, not used since the 12th century), I doubt many people would even know it as the more common but still rare adjective.

The chairman of the Central Military Commission in the People's Republic of China is elected by which group?
the CPC congress
the CPC Central Committee
the NPC
the NPC Standing Committee

I think this is another question where the right answer is the wrong answer. They don't want political eggheads coming over here and being too informed.

During the teaching procedure, the information to be effectively transferred is
the teaching procedure
the methods of teaching
the content of teaching
the media of teaching and learning

I figure this one is to catch those that could fake knowing enough english to pass the other questions.

2002×20032003-2003×20022002=?
-60
0
60
80

This is zero, right? I tried actually doing it and it just confused me.

Which factor will not influence the Air Pollution Index?
SO2
NOX
CO2
H2O

Right answer is the wrong answer. Don't want anybody that will make problems for schools over inconsequential things like air pollution.

In which year was Longrnan Group UK Ltd. founded?
1721
1722
1723
1724

WTF is this shit? I blew seriously half my time trying to look this company up, and all I got for my troubles was some book publisher called Longman Group, and I couldn't even find out when that was founded. Probably not not that long ago, and really probably not having anything to do with anything.

In which continent is China?
Asia
Africa
Europe
South America

Nice, the slowball.

Ebbinghaus's Forgetting Curve indicates that the procedure of forgetting is
Rapid then slow
Slow then rapid
At constant speed
Accelerate evenly

I took a guess based on the pompous name that this guy's theory was just common sense and went with the first choice.

2008+2007+2006+2005-2004-2003-2002-2001+2000+1999+1998+1997-1996-1995-1994-1993+1992+……+6+5-4-3-2-1=?
284790350023
4016
3901
2510

Seriously, China. Dammit.

The system of the People's Republic of China, as a political state, is
multi-party cooperation
a people's democratic dictatorship
a constitutional monarchy
a federation

There was no way that I wasn't picking dictatorship, although of the other choices it does actually seem like the most accurate.

Which is the largest island in China?
Hainan Island
Chongming Island
Xiamen Iskand
Taiwan Island

This is a tricky one! Don't slip up and forget that Taiwan Is A Part Of China!



To cap it all off, they give you your scores as soon as you're done! Here's how I did. Good thing my contract is already signed.


Score & Analysis Evaluating Items

The score of Knowledge Test is 70 , high scoring index is Chinese Culture and Customs, Knowledge of Astronomy and Geography , low scoring index is Economic Knowledge .

The score for Psychological Test is 43 , high scoring index is Confidence, Emotional Stability, Face Tendency , low scoring index is Drink, Heart Endurance, Tolerant Capability, Logical Thinking Ability, Comprehensive Analysis Ability, Response Ability .

Advice for Testees:
Result of this evaluation only provides you a reference for knowing yourself better, rather than evidence that you will gain great success in society. During the evaluation, you are affected by test time, your mood, circumstance, and etc. If you think that the description and advice for you does not match the fact, you can think about flowing points:

1. Recalling your state when answering the test, whether you are concentrated or not
2. Recalling whether you slide over yourself consciously or guess the intention of testers
3. Ask classmates or friends around you how they think about you
4. Consult professional evaluation advisers or teachers in employment center for further advice

Wish you success!

Man there were no questions about drinking, you damn liars. OR astronomy! Jesus, China.